Overly Ovine

*** UPDATE: I thought this post would ruffle a lot of feathers, but so far, nobody has spoken up. Do y’all agree with everything I said in here? Or are you just being polite? ***

People are sheep. Proof is all around us.

1. The claim: Sheep blindly follow their leader without thinking about where he’s taking them.

   Every single day, sheep follow their shepherds to be slaughtered. (”Mmm, mutton!“) Their puny ovine brains never figure out where they’re going; nor do other sheep ever learn from the mistakes of their fallen (and stewed, roasted or braised) comrades.

   The evidence: Millions of peoplesheep voted for Dubya–and still continue to support him and his reckless actions today. ‘Nuff said.

2. The claim: Sheep always do as they’re told.

   Have you ever heard a sheep talking back to its shepherd? Givin’ lip? Sassing? Disrespectin’? Disobeying?

   The evidence: Nobody (outside of New York City) crosses the street if the “Don’t Walk” light is on–even if there are absolutely no cars on the road. They must be thinking, “I guess the light knows best. After all, it’s all electrified ‘n all.”

   I was in Las Vegas a few weeks ago, and nobody would cross the streets until that damned light said it was okay. Nobody. It didn’t matter if it was 1 A.M. on the most desolate bike-path-of-a-road you could imagine–nobody was crossing. Finally, I would cross against the light (half expecting to hear cries of “Jaywalker! Stop that jaywalker!”), and, lo and behold, everyone else followed. (No great surprise; see item #3, below.)

3. The claim: Sheep follow other sheep.

   Sheep are not capable of deciding what to do. They’re either directly told what to do (see item #2), or they simply do as their neighbors do.

   The evidence: Conventional grass lawns are one of man’s most ridiculous, wasteful inventions, and yet they are the de facto ground cover for American homes. Why? Because people, like sheep, do not think about what to plant; they just plant what everyone else plants and what the Industrial Lawn Complex suckers them into planting.

   You tell me: would an independent, rational thinker actually choose to plant acres of a non-native plant which would require him to spend hours upon days upon weeks to maintain? How much energy, money and time do we spend mowing, fertilizing, watering and pesticiding our lawns? It’s not rational; it’s the sheep factor, rearing its ugly, woolen head all over again.

   (Notably, Rene Russo is decidedly unsheepy in this respect.)

Q.E.D., baby!